Back in the real world, where this story increasingly doesn't exist, I'm now profoundly shattered, and I no longer hold on to any hope of writing for the moment. my soul is shreadded and if I am to continue in mortal life it seems my time and energy from this point on may have to be entirely channeled into working for very low wages to pay the rent and the huge debts I unjustly received when my "eternal companion" beterayed the family entirely by divorcing me in a very hostile spirit. am I just being overdramatic? No it's actually far more painful than I am able to put into words, nothing I could write would do it justice. that overdramatic nonsense is just an objecctive description of the very surface of the pain and disfuntion I am passing through.
I live on faith alone.
I have become unable to engage myself in any human relationships other than superficially. My capacity to trust to bond to commit any thing to anyone in mortality has been completely destroyed.
But I live on faith. I beleive in the power of the atonement of Jesus Christ to redeem every mortal who will turn to him with sufficiant faith, and give up their own kingdom, and come follow Him.
Paragangia is part of my kingdom, and for now I give it up hoping He will in time invite me to make it part of His Kingdom also.
I beleive this trial will miraculously pass. I don't see how that would be possible and I think it might take a very long time but I do believe in miracles, so eventualy this will pass. I will heal. I will pick up and go on with mortal life for another 53 and a half years or so.
Maybe I will pick up and go on with this story also. in my mind and heart this story is still being written. I have learned so much from the trauma I am experiancing and if I am ever able to return to writing this story will be so much greater for all that I have learned through this pain. My greatest empathy now lies with Sen'tran, staying alive 200 years beyiond his natural lifespan trying to heal the betrayal of his family in any way he can, watching the results of his misplaced efforts to help a freind spin out of control scattering evil and its resultant suffering through all the galaxy.
I tried so hard to keep my covenant and hold on to eternal marriage, but in the end all my children suffered terribly from my never being there for them and subjecting them to an uncaring and abusive father/stepfather who pretended at being the preisthood leader of our home. In trying to hold on to the illussion of eternal marriage I gave up having any real relationships with family. and prevented my children from experianceing the Gospel in a positive way.
I'm also becoming more objective in recognizing the skills and capacities I lack which would be needed to actualy finish writing any part of this story. My hope was always false bravado. just like the hope I had in my eternal family.
Also, my laptop was stollen including everything I have written for the past several years. so If I write again, I'll be starting over to some degree, from the point I left off here.
I think I'm alot more prepared to write Allyssas detached marriage with Chathalen and Jason's ambivalant and possibly turbulant marriage with Serai. Serai would not be easy to live with and Jason not predisposed to married life. D'neira's marriage to Allyssa's father who is the son of Sen'tran's wife when she was raped by Kai'zen, that would also be an interesting relationship which I have not explored. Allyssa is considered a foundling, D'neira is never oficially recognized as her mother.